We were discussing about earthquakes in class so naturally, I showed a documentary to my students. As the geologist narrated about the most destructive earthquakes the world has ever faced, one of my students mumbled to himself, “So where is God in all of these?”
It was not meant to be answered, based on the way it was said, yet this has been the most difficult question I had to answer as a teacher.
Many have claimed that in the beauty of nature, we see the face of God. But face to face with nature’s wrath, where is God?
Always, I have staunchly upheld my faith. Despite strongly disagreeing with the Church’s comments on reproductive health and same sex marriage, I have remained a Roman Catholic. Despite my science education opening a world of truth for me, I still believe in God. But never have I found an evidence of God’s existence. You may think, how can I, a made scientist, believe in an entity whose existence I can never physically prove?
I can only sigh. I do not really know where God is in all of these. But there is comfort in trusting that somewhere, he must be there.
It is no secret that I do not know what I am doing most of the time. “Just do it” can easily be my life’s motto — I just do things without fully understanding the risks and consequences of my actions. But hey, if I do not just do things, I will never be able to get anything done. I would have never even lived at all.
This never came to me before — not knowing what you are doing is a crucial part of life. To not know is to have the capacity to learn. To learn is to know better. To know better is to keep moving forward. To keep moving forward is to live.
I do not know what I am doing most of the time. I must be living my life just fine.
Finally, an unpopular — and therefore, empty — cafe.
As I slurp my iced latte, I wonder how many Filipino words are not translatable into English. For instance, the word tulala. To be tulala, in the usual context, is to stare blankly ahead, mind wandering aimlessly in a different time and place, real or fictional. Sometimes, as in my case, it is simply thinking quietly. It annoys me that I cannot think of an English world that perfectly encapsulates this.
Just then, the barista (that’s what you call a person working in a cafe, right?) arrives with my bacon and eggs. He introduces himself and told me to look for him if I need anything. I heard him but I do not catch his name. Whatever. I never ask for anything extra, anyway.
I pick on my bacon and swirled the undone yolk of my sunny-side up with my spoon, wondering this time why people often ask me why I am tulala. I mean, why do they care? What’s so wrong about thinking? Apparently, for some people, thinking in virtual solitude is a crime.
My yolk-swirling is interrupted by the same guy, this time asking if the food is okay. I gave him half a smile and flashed him a thumbs-up. Honestly though, cafe food anywhere tastes the same to me. Whatever. Anyway, I am just here because I need a deserted place and some time to be tulala.
Being tulala keeps me sane, just as writing a ramble does.
First comes the overwhelming sense of empowerment. Finally, you are that single woman who needs no man in her life. You are independent. You are unstoppable.
Then, stealthily, loneliness creeps in. You are happy yet there is no one to come home to and tell why. Or you had a crappy day and there is no one to rant on. There is no one to share food with (and hell, food tastes so much better when shared).
Suddenly, you miss his soft hands and purring voice. You miss his scent.
There really is a price for choosing yourself. Is it worth it? I hope it is.
Lying in the dark is falling unto a bottomless well,
bringing me closer to a new world I cannot see.
Dead to the world yet alive, I wonder, What does this black, empty space hold?
In the dark lie mysteries.
In the dark lie the secrets of the universe
that we are yet to uncover.
Fearful and restless, I wonder, How long will they wait to be found?
In the dark lie stories
no one dares tell.
In the dark lie truths
no one’s prepared to hear.
In the dark, they lie,
pleading to be known.
Guilty but hesitant, I wonder, Am I ready to listen?
In this blackness I stare,
until the light are turned on.